how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
