my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
