Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
