you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
