does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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