I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
