I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
