I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
