hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Please don't give away my fajitas
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
