So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
