i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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