My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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