Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
