Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
