My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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