Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I made him laugh his dick is mine
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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