I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
