no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
