the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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