Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
