I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
and she was petting her beer can
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
