I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
