I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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