Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
