i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
