Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
