Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
