I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
