What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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