i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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