Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
