its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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