Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
