I puked a lego.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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