The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You are the jesus of drinking
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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