Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
