when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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