I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
