I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
