I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
