I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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