last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
It's shark week go big or go home
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
