At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
