Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
