No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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