I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
