Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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