i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
There's always time for handjobs
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
MIDGETS
????
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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