you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
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