to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i dont even know how to be here
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
