Umm I'm too high to move.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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