You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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