you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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