The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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